Barbie Horse Adventures: Mystery Ride (PC) review "The title Barbie’s Horse Adventures could fit way more than a video game. They could turn it into the title for a movie, or perhaps a series of books. Maybe Mattel could make it into a set of dolls for all the little kids. Alternately, a guy named Steve could use the name for a pay-for-porn site and charge people to watch hot blondes get it on with our equestrian friends. Oh the possibilities. However, a Google search only shows Barbie’s Horse Adventures as a game, so as of press t..."

The title Barbie’s Horse Adventures could fit way more than a video game. They could turn it into the title for a movie, or perhaps a series of books. Maybe Mattel could make it into a set of dolls for all the little kids. Alternately, a guy named Steve could use the name for a pay-for-porn site and charge people to watch hot blondes get it on with our equestrian friends. Oh the possibilities. However, a Google search only shows Barbie’s Horse Adventures as a game, so as of press time, this name is an untapped resource just waiting to be utilized.

There’s a bit of trouble on the farm. Lucky, the prized race horse owned by Theresa, has been stolen! Instead of not being a lazy bitch and looking for her ****ing horse herself, Theresa decides to send Barbie instead. She generously gives Barbie a walky-talky, so she can keep in touch with her at all times and assist her with clues, and a saddle-bag with extra doodads to help her find additional clues. These additional items include a metal detector that’s used to find clues on the ground and a slingshot that’s Barbie employs to get out of reach items.

Barbie’s Horse Adventures is a great game for little girls, because it teaches them a valuable lesson: if you go up to strange old men in the woods and you're all by yourself, they’re going to want to help you, especially if you’re a leggy blonde. The entire premise of this game stems around from helping out other people, in the hopes that they’ll return the favor and help you. The dirty old man in the woods employs Barbie to help him find wood for a bridge that’s out, and in exchange tells her that he saw Lucky go across the bridge that apparently wasn’t broken twenty minutes beforehand.

Barbie’s Horse Adventures really isn’t what it seems. While there are certainly horses to be found in this title, it’s really more of a collection of mini-games, like a Bejeweled clone and herding goats into corrals. The actual horses come into play since you ride them around to the different mini-games, but they’re mostly there for decorating. You can brush your horse, pick a name for it, and even choose the color of its saddle. Heck, you can even feed them. I fed my prized horse Ruby an apple and a sugar cube, and upon looking at Barbie’s trim figure, it was apparent that Barbie hadn’t eaten that much herself. Unfortunately, you cannot shove your carrot down Barbie’s throat, no matter how bad you feel for her.

Finding Lucky takes no time at all. I dominated Barbie and her horse adventures in less than forty-five minutes. You can visit every area after you beat the game, and you can also change Barbie’s clothes for added fun when you’re bored. If I were the seven-year-old girl that this game was marketed to, I really could get into this game and make it last for several hours at the least. Unfortunately, I’m not (but oh how I’ve dreamed… :-().

Even at 45, Barbie still looks good! Sadly though, the animators of this game didn’t do such a good job with her. While Barbie, her horse, and Theresa look alright, the rest of the game is lackluster. Looking up, the sky is a static blue with motionless clouds and looking forward reveals jaggy buildings and stiff animations. As for the voice action though…hey, that’s actually not so bad. Sure, all of their lines are corny and the girls seemed way too lovey-dovey, but they fit the characters well.

As for now, this is the only place to find Barbie having adventures with horses, so if that’s what you’re looking for, go here. If you’re a female and you’re in the four to eight age brackets, this is the game you want. My little sisters love it. If you’re a guy and you’re reading this, what the hell is wrong with you? What kind of creepy old guy reads a review for Barbie’s Horse Adventures? The kind that waits by bridges for leggy blondes, that’s who. Creep.

Community review by asherdeus (December 12, 2004) A bio for this contributor is currently unavailable, but check back soon to see if that changes. If you are the author of this review, you can update your bio from the Settings page.