N3: Ninety-Nine Nights (Xbox 360) review "mardraum: HOLY SHIT "

mardraum: HOLY SHIT
mardraum: that's a LOT OF FUCKING PEOPLE

Whether you're a grizzled manly brawler vet who plowed through Chaos Legion on hard and found every weapon in Drakengard or you're a genre hater who got Dynasty Warriors 2 as a PS2 tech demo and never touched anything like it again, your first impression of Ninety-Nine Nights will be exactly this. There are indeed a lot of fucking people. Drakengard just had little packs of guys onscreen at once, cleverly scattering them to present the illusion of fighting a whole damn army by yourself. In N3, you really are fighting a whole damn army by yourself.

mardraum: should I... give a shit about the story at all?
PickHut: eh
PickHut: it's just about people hating each other
mardraum: fuck this, I am not paying attention to any videogame with an orb of light and goblins

Apparently, I'm quite the foul-mouthed cunt. But the profanity is justified, because as dumb as the story is, things only get worse from there...

Whining phase one, wherein I realize that as far as item collection goes this game is no Drakengard:

PickHut: also, don't forget you can equip things that you picked up in the pause menu
PickHut: and you get to equip more things as you level up
PickHut: dead end areas you see on the map usually have a treasure chest
PickHut: which is normally protected by some infantry
mardraum: ah
mardraum: why would I ever want to equip an item that brings my attack down 50%
mardraum: fuck you, whoever made this game
PickHut: Yeah, that's stupid

Whining phase two, wherein I realize that as far as your backup goes soldiers are no substitute for the legions of Legion:

mardraum: oops
mardraum: I left them behind when I went to get that item and when I came back all my archers were gone
PickHut: yeah, your army is almost useless without you
PickHut: they're mostly just there for show and to keep most of the opposing army off your back

Whining phase three, wherein I really wish my dad had bought Drakengard 2 instead:

mardraum: ANOTHER useless item?
mardraum: "wow, good job beating the troll, have these boots that keep you from dashing"

My second to last epiphany came after this, when I asked my buddy if Ninety-Nine Nights is "just 20 hours of mashing one button?"

PickHut: yeah

Disturbing. But wait--elucidation!

PickHut: it's a simplified version of Kingdom Under Fire
PickHut: KUF actually involved a semblance of strategy
mardraum: it's a simplified version of masturbating
mardraum: same hand motion over and over and over except I never come
mardraum: n3 gives me blue balls
mardraum: you just KNOW I'll be drunk sometime and put that rant in my review.

He then corrected me by pointing out that every five or ten minutes you'll be able to kill shitloads of people by doing a special move instead of killing shitloads of people by mashing X. This completely changed my view of what was once a shallow, dull game (note: sarcasm), and so I trudged on, making it all the way to the end boss of my character's campaign. The fierce duel was lost, and...

mardraum: fuck N3
mardraum: fuck it in its stupid asshole
PickHut: haha
PickHut: How far did you get?
mardraum: I got up to that goblin king dude in the forest level
mardraum: like after you fight that silly night army [Ed: really, how geeky is this shit?]
mardraum: so he uses some long-range attack I'd never seen before from off-screen and kills me
mardraum: "ok, I guess I'll re-fight him"
mardraum: *retry*
mardraum: suddenly I'm at the entrance to the forest again
mardraum: "fuck you"
PickHut: ?
mardraum: "hey you died, have fun mashing X for 25 minutes just for another shot!"
PickHut: was... this the first time you lost?
mardraum: yeah
PickHut: yeah
mardraum: yeah
mardraum: fuck that

And only today have I decided to bring the true story of Ninety-Nine Nights to the masses, to counter the lies of clowns like zigfried and PickHut who think it's worth a seven. It doesn't have the weapons of a Drakengard, it doesn't have the cool allies and oldschool bosses of a Chaos Legion. It's nothing more than a tech demo. The only question left to be answered was just how poor it was...

mardraum: I don't know if it deserves a 3 or a 4
EmP: Hmmm.
EmP: Some of the enemy designs were cool.
mardraum: it was fun for five minutes.
mardraum: and was technically impressive.
mardraum: and I listened to NoMeansNo when I played.
mardraum: a point for each, 4/10.
EmP: That works.
EmP: Also, make note of how retarded it is that the enemy is invincible when stuck by ally weapons.
EmP: I hated that with the intense fury of a thousand desert suns.
mardraum: vivid
EmP: In fact, just rip off that line and randomly chuck it in.
EmP: Worked for me in THUG2.

Community review by mardraum (July 12, 2007) A bio for this contributor is currently unavailable, but check back soon to see if that changes. If you are the author of this review, you can update your bio from the Settings page.