Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360) review "Did it actually happen? That incident after midnight with my Xbox 360? No, it had to be a dream... "

Did it actually happen? That incident after midnight with my Xbox 360? No, it had to be a dream...

*looks at bookshelf*

*takes out the game case*

So, it wasn't a dream. I actually played Dead or Alive Xtreme 2.

Wait, it's sadly all coming back to me now. Yes, I remember turning on my Xbox 360, which I'm shocked didn't perform the Rings of Death at that very instance, and sat through a two and a half minute intro that easily makes Baywatch's opening look decent. Unfortunately, during the intro, someone in my friends list signed on, and shame overtook me as I knew that person was likely checking out what I was playing. But, I toughened up, and continued to watch the opening filled with fake, half-naked women bouncing all over the place. I felt nothing, as if my body had no soul because it was devoured the moment I touched the disc.

I then reached the title screen, where a woman announced the name of the game out loud with such glee and happiness. Oh, joyous voice actress, who usually does dub work for Japanese animation, how much did they pay you to sound that bubbly? Assuming I would finally get to the actual game once I selected TRAVEL TO NEW ZACK ISLAND, I was then treated to a goofy cutscene where Zack and his "girlfriend" managed to resurrect his sunken island, which involved using a submarine, a red rocket, and a satellite in space. Uh-huh. It was probably the most entertaining thing that happened in Xtreme 2, because everything that happened afterwards was... interesting.

Given some sense of control, I was asked to pick one of up to nine women, all of whom have appeared in the spin-off fighting series. It was hard, because they all looked the same, despite having different hairstyles and eye colors... and... yeah, that's about it. I then remembered, however, Hitomi seeming like the most down-to-earth type when I played her in Dead or Alive 3, so I picked her. I was immediately greeted by Lisa, token black woman of the game, who talks to me (Hitomi) while rubbing her body up against a tree. Doesn't that... hurt? She then proceeds to waste my very first day on the island by forcefully taking me on a tour through most of the locations.

Before I knew it, the day was over, and again, the game took control and forced me into my hotel room. There, I received a present from Zack. Not even stopping to think how disturbing it was that he knew exactly where I was staying, I opened up the box and saw a trumpet. Okay... So, after goofing around in the casino, playing Blackjack and the slots, I went to bed, and woke up to the second day, where I finally had control of my destinations. Still, you had to think where you had to go, because the "day" has four sections to it: Morning, Daytime, Evening, and Nighttime. Whenever you pick a part of the island to go to, like say, you want to play volleyball, you'll use up a section of the day. Once you reach the Nighttime section, you'll again be whisked away to your hotel room.

You'll be doing this for 14 days.

The question is, will you be having fun for these 14 days? Well, I tried to seriously dive into this game, partaking in its various "activities". There are some games you can play, like riding a jetski in a marine race or playing beach volleyball. Both of which require little effort. The marine race is probably the most complicated one in this game, but that's really not saying much. The most effort you have to put into it is paying attention to where the turns are, and getting used to the jetski's sensitive handling. Beach volleyball is screwed up, because half the time, the AI hijacks your character to spike the ball for you. Hell, you can just keep passing the ball to your partner until either her or, by force (seems to be a reoccurring theme in Xtreme 2...), you spike the ball.

There are other games that are much more simpler than the ones I've mentioned, but, absurdly, you have to purchase expensive tickets to play them. I never knew going out of my way to buy a game called Butt Battle would lead to so much disappointment... And it's not even because the games are simple, but that you don't feel any real sense of satisfaction when you come out the victor in them. Unless, you're a 12-year-old boy or you love playing games where you can purchase nail polish or swimsuits.

If you're not in the mood to play games, you can do a bunch of trivial stuff like relax at the pool, in the jungle, or on the beach, where you can presumably take control of an invisible stalker and snap pictures of your character or her partner. Like of their pretty faces. Or those nice shoes they're wearing. Or something similar... Also, you can go out of your way to waste your money on items on other women. The crazy thing about this is that you don't know what the hell anyone likes half the time, unless you actually payed attention to the profiles at the character select screen. Even then, you'll have your presents get sent back to you 70% of the time.

So, no, you won't be having fun for 14 days. When I played through Xtreme 2, I didn't feel any type of enjoyment. At the same time, I didn't feel any type of hatred towards the game, either, which is Xtremely odd. Normally, games you don't like evoke some type of emotion from you, and not the good kind. With this title, however, I felt... empty. Fake, half-naked women, pretty graphics, constant bubblegum music, shallow games, and a half-baked, lesbian dating simulator all rolled up into a title called Dead or Alive Xtreme 2. And it produces such... emptiness.

Thank God I only got this for $6.

Community review by dementedhut (November 06, 2008) Now if only I had the foresight to submit this OutRun review a day earlier...