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Muscle March (Wii) review"You've likely seen the trailer for this game on a video website. You know, the one where a bunch of confusing sequences are tossed in your face while weird J-Pop music plays in the background? And there was this highly enthusiastic Japanese announcer constantly shouting, throwing in a few Engrish words every so often. I'm sure some of you blocked it out of your mind, but there were also a ton of happy, muscly men in thongs. One was sporting a killer mohawk. Another was wearing a top hat. There w..." |
You've likely seen the trailer for this game on a video website. You know, the one where a bunch of confusing sequences are tossed in your face while weird J-Pop music plays in the background? And there was this highly enthusiastic Japanese announcer constantly shouting, throwing in a few Engrish words every so often. I'm sure some of you blocked it out of your mind, but there were also a ton of happy, muscly men in thongs. One was sporting a killer mohawk. Another was wearing a top hat. There was even one with a baby chick relaxing on his fro! Bewilderment was had by all when the trailer ended, even more so when it was revealed to be a Wii title. Reactions were obviously mixed; some thought it looked like a really stupid game, while others thought it looked like a really stupid game... that they had to play.
Can you guess which group I was in?
Well, believe it or not, the trailer captured the spirit of the game very well. You'll receive a splattering of bizarre imagery that acts as your surroundings while you dive into the world of Muscle March. In fact, there's so much junk going on, that I had to watch videos in order to make out what's going on! Ballerinas dance in offices, businessmen walk out of elevators with horses, samurai battle tanuki, swans chill at space stations, and old space men jump around on pogo sticks. This is just a small portion of the mayhem, too. I guess Namco (yes, Namco) thought you needed this extra serving of random insanity, since the actual mechanics of play consist of running through walls, striking a pose to match the appearance of the destroyed structure created by the thieves that repeatedly steal your protein jar. Simple stuff, really.
That's it?
That's it.
As you travel farther into each location of the game, the pace picks up, though, forcing you to react much quicker than before to avoid hitting the walls with incorrect poses. It adds a degree of challenge in Muscle March as you chase after football players, space aliens with silly glasses, imps, and robots, however, you can only go so far with such an easy gimmick before it gets old. The developers could have thought up some variations to the formula so that it could be stretched out a little longer, but they took a different approach, and that's where...
Each area has three stages, and in every final stage, you're up against Mech Muscle, a weird muscle thief in tight, blue latex. The stages start off like the others, picking up in speed as you get closer and closer to his tight ass. When you're right behind him, though, is when the nightmare begins. He'll start hauling it at unimaginable speeds, you'll crash into walls nearly nonstop, and before you know it, you'll be at the continue screen. You think you can improve, that you can eventually capture Mech Muscle. But you keep failing. Every. Single. Time.
This was Namco's solution for "replayability", to make every last stage insanely hard in an attempt to keep gamers playing.
It was a very stupid decision.
Now, it's possible to defeat Mech Muscle, as I've managed to do it with one life left before, but it hinges more on extreme luck than actual skill, sadly. Even then, some of the wall pose placements are nasty, especially on the space station area where some happen during turns, and you won't be able to see them until the very last second.
You know what's funny? Mech Muscle can be beaten a much easier way, thanks in part to something Namco overlooked: You can win by pausing the game. What do I mean? Well, by entering the pause menu, you can get a quick glimpse of the pose you're supposed to perform right before going in. Furthermore, you can strike a pose before leaving the pause menu, and when the action resumes, you're already in the stance!
...
Every time I view the credits, I'm just in awe that so many people were involved in developing this... mess. I mean, there's two friggin directors! Two!
*sobs*
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Community review by dementedhut (October 31, 2010)
Now if only I had the foresight to submit this OutRun review a day earlier... |
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